2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
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