just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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