i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
