if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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