That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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