he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
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The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death