i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
