I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
