I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize