I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
