i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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