He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
