remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
