my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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