I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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