I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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