You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Randomize
