Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
