is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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