Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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