Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i love accidental penises.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
