1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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