You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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