I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
