My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest