How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
