You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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