i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
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I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
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Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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