I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
