If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
