Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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