Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
