I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
