my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It's like fucking tetris in this bed