The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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