my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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