it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
