You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
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You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
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No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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