I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
