I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
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Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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