He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
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Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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