i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
