He uses pillows to masturbate.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
