i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
