I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
