$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You can't special order awesome
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
