I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
