The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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