He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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