I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
