my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
