I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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