Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
