o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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