bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
