just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
