I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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