My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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