If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
